Tuesday · 11 August 2020

The language of calling in sick

Posted by Call In Sick Tips Revealed · Filed under Workplace · Permalink

Almost nobody says what a policy expects them to say. The formal instruction is usually some version of notify your manager before the start of your shift and state that you are unfit to attend. What people actually do is tell a small story, and the shape of that story is remarkably consistent from one workplace to another.

The story has three parts. It opens with an apology that nobody asked for. It moves to a symptom specific enough to sound verifiable but vague enough not to invite questions. It closes with a repayment offer: I will check messages, I will make the deadline up, I will be back tomorrow. Each part is doing work that the policy did not ask for.

Why the detail creeps in

Detail is a substitute for proof. When a person suspects they will not simply be believed, they supply evidence, and the only evidence available on a phone call is specificity. This is why marginal illness produces longer explanations than serious illness. Somebody genuinely floored says four words. Somebody who feels ill but not dramatically so describes a whole night.

The unfortunate effect is that a longer explanation reads as less credible to a listener, which encourages still more detail next time. Workplaces that have replaced the call with a short written form usually report that this spiral quiets down, not because writing is more honest but because a form has no silences to fill.

The vocabulary of the marginal day

A recognisable set of phrases has grown up around days that fall between fit and unfit. Under the weather, run down, not right, fighting something off. These are all deliberately unfalsifiable. They describe a direction of travel rather than a state, and they leave the listener to decide how serious it sounds.

Managers develop a matching vocabulary in reply. Take the time you need, do not worry about the meeting, we will manage. Whether those phrases are reassuring or ominous depends entirely on whether they are followed up, and most people can tell the difference within a day.

It is worth noticing that this whole exchange is a negotiation conducted in a register that pretends not to be one. Both parties know the real question is whether the absence will be treated as legitimate, and neither can ask it directly. Clear written procedures do not abolish the negotiation, but they do reduce the amount of it that has to happen out loud at seven in the morning.